don't try to fast forward time
The title of this post comes from the last message in the conversation I had with my friend over text today.
"Don't try to fast forward time".
I stared at her message for almost five mins before Oscar woke up and I went to rescue those little cries of his. I shushed him back to sleep slowly as I cried and kissed his forehead. When he finally stopped fighting me to stay away, he drifted off to sleep and I put him in his Snuggle Me, then snuck out of my newly dark-as-can-be bedroom. These naps are new and short in length (only 20 mins max) but they are a change and they shed some light into our lives.
For the past six weeks I've been struggling, and I've been wishing this time to go by faster.
If you've been reading these posts, then you know this is all true. To be honest, I've become embarrassed about whether it's ok I have been so real about my struggles, or if I should just hide it behind my big crooked smile and say, "It's great! Everything is perfect!".
But, I have been choosing to be real with my life and honest in what I share when people take the time to ask me. I wish there was more of that in my life months ago so I could have been better prepared.
Some people did tell me it would be hard, and I smiled and thought "sure, but it cant be that hard".
I just didn't know.
But, I think what was missing from actually getting into that thick skull of mine was the explanation of HOW it was hard and WHY it was hard. Saying it's gonna be hard is almost like asking me to ignore it and disprove it immediately.
Today marks the 6th weeks with Oscar.
And, to be honest, even though I woke up sick, without my partner (who's away for work), worried about how hard it would be to juggle Oscar & Lucy while taking Lucy out to pee and having mega anxiety about tomorrow (my first day back to work); things have been a little easier.
They say it takes six weeks for you to feel more in control of yourself after birth, more used to this new normal and more used to this new person in your life. In my case, it's actually kind of true. And even though today was hard, and I've had many ups and downs and it's only 4pm, I do feel a little more capable of what is being thrown at me.
And in that, I am feeling a different kind of sadness. I'm sad that I have wished for these weeks to have gone by faster. I'm sad I did stop and breathe in each a day a little more. I am happy that midway, among all the hard moments and darkness I chose to start marking down the wins. One win each day was a good thing to remember so that each day doesn't feel like a blur because the whole thing really is starting to feel like a blurr. Another thing I snickered at.
If there is anything I can say about these 6 weeks for anyone else who's in it, or about to go through it; as hard as it may be, try not to wish the days away too quickly. Find a win each day. Take photos. Journal, even point form just to remember. It does go by fast which is hard to fathom while you shush a swaddled crying baby in the bathroom where the fan is on and the shower, because both seem to weirdly help your little one dose off eventually, but probably after his shrieks have broken your heart and caused you to cry as well.
It really does go by fast.
I already miss how he used to squeak when he cried. I miss his tiny little body that felt like nothing to pick up. I miss how he'd lay snuggled up against my chest for hours and when he fussed, it was my arms that could hold him safe and my breathing that could often settle him. I miss so many little things, things that I never knew I'd miss. Time goes by so fast, don't wish it to go by faster because you'll miss the things that make you remember how special this time is.
