From just us, to us three

I started this post before the baby arrived. It was just a bunch of questions in bullet form, left for me to decipher & finish when I got some time. That’s kind of how my life goes, there are lists and bullet form messages to myself in code in all my notebooks, in texts to myself and in saved documents on my computer. Most of them barely make sense, but the present person writing them thinks the future me will be able to seamlessly decode it all. I always think I’ll have more time to do things and more time for the people who really deserve it. Anthony would most definitely agree that I am bad at dedicating time to myself and to him, as I’m always giving myself & all my time to my clients. It’s been something I’ve been working on, and as I started to work on this, I wondered how much harder things would be when there is another person in the mix.

32 weeks pregnant in Seattle. Photo of us by Laurken Kendall.

As the due date came closer, and closer, I was obsessively thinking about how our relationship would shift and/or change. Would it be better? Would it make us feel more connected? I wondered if we would have time for each other. I wondered if we’d see eye to eye when it comes to parenting, because talking about it and doing it is two totally different things. I wondered things like whether or not we would be able to still go out like we did pre-baby. I wondered if we’d be able to keep up old conversations about nothing in particular, or if everything would be about the baby. I wondered what cuddling on the couch would be like. And, how was it going to be on the busy days, or the hard days. So many thoughts floated in my head about how life would be once it was no longer just us two, but us three.

I didn’t know what to expect. But I knew that I hoped we would be a good team. I hoped that we would be there for each other when we needed the other. Throughout the pregnancy, my emotions were pretty calm, in fact I was the most calm I had ever been in my whole life. I wondered what would happen when the babe arrived. I wondered if my emotions would change drastically because they hadn’t yet, and so many people say they do while pregnant, so I wondered if I’d make up for the even keel nature of mine afterwards, and would that be something that we would get through. If that happened, would Anthony be able to handle that, especially if I couldn’t handle it myself? Would he continue to be my rock?

For so long it was just us. Just me & Anth (and Lucy, of course). We had a rhythm. We had a routine in never having an actual schedule. We spent all of our time together when we were together and when we were in different cities, we kept in touch never really missing a beat. From “good morning” texts and calls at night to say “I love you”, he was my whole day. We made the days work, no matter where we were, we made our time together count. We were a team, totally in stride with each other, even though Anthony actually tends to walk a little in front of me, but let’s me tug at his pants to him to keep up with his large steps (I have little legs!!).

Having a baby is unlike anything in the world. Even for someone like me, who surrounded herself with mamas on the daily. A gal who has photographed over 300+ newborn shoots, fills her every week with family shoots and has been in the birthing room for 10 births; yet, none of it truly could have prepared me for what I was about to go thru.

I never thought it would change us.

Before Oscar, we had freedom, we did anything we wanted, we were ok with the fact that we never had schedules because of the irregularity of our jobs. We wouldn't plan dinners ahead of time and never eat at the same time each night. We would randomly go out for dinner, order a bottle of wine and come back a little smiley and full; full of good food, vino, make outs and good time spent together talking about our future. We would lay on the couch for hours watching stupid shows, and snuggling with no concept of how much time had passed. We would wake up rested, and pop out for coffee while we walked Lucy. We both worked HARD at our careers. When he was on tour, I would spend almost 14 hrs straight at the computer getting all my deadlines done. I would answer emails in a timely manner, and often spend an hour longer at most shoots, really making sure that my clients were getting 110% of me. I’d even finish a long wedding day and then change from wedding photographer Scarlet outfit to wife of a musician Scarlet outfit in the car and stash my camera gear backstage with my All Access pass, and watch side stage, or in the audience, always to the right side so I was in line with Anthony, while he most often climbed on his keyboard at some point during the show of his I was at.

Us, before Oscar. Photo by Laurken Kendall

And now, things are so different. 

We are so different.

The transition from just us to us three has been a hard transition. It’s been heartbreaking at times. We are learning this new normal. We are learning how to navigate parenthood. We are learning how to not give up on each other, and try to understand what the other is going through. We are constantly having to be considerate of each other in a whole new way. We are new people, with new responsibilities and new lives.

There is so much that has happened in these six months of Oscars life that have changed us, have tested us and have made us question everything. Parenthood is not easy. I never really understood that until having a baby. And, having a baby is a bit like a car crash for your marriage. I hate admitting it because it’s a scary thing to say, but they aren’t actually my words. Late in the night, in tears while alone with the baby, I texted a friend and she wrote those words back to me and told me I wasn’t alone, that these struggles were normal. Her words stuck because of how true they were and each time I share them with another mom, they seem to agree.

Going from us to us three has been so different than I imagined. It has been pretty tough a lot of the time, too. A lot of people don’t want to talk about it because I think there is a fear of being ungrateful and being embarrassed that you are not doing well at this thing that so many people just handle. And, no one wants to air their dirty laundry for others to see. But, I think being alone in these thoughts isn’t necessarily a good thing either. Sitting in the darkness wondering what you did wrong, why is it like this for you?!! What’s wrong with you?! Feeling like your whole world is crashing down isn’t a comforting thing, but in my own honesty in what I’ve been going through, I’ve found comfort from others and been able to climb out of the darkness I was so deeply in.

When I started this blog I had a completely different vision of where it’s landed itself. I thought I would be talking about all the blissful newborn moments we were experiencing, writing about the products for the baby I loved & maybe those I didn’t find so useful. I imagined that I’d be sharing super cute photos of me snuggling with the baby just days after having him. I thought I would be spending hours upon hours just being with Anthony and Oscar enjoying this newborn life. I imagined Anthony feeding me while I breastfed our baby, and we’d take cute little selfies of us smiling and laughing in the soft morning light. We’d go on walks to Bellwoods and have little picnics under a tree and I’d take the summer to be a new mom.

But, those hopes couldn’t have been further than the truth. Newborn life was damn hard for us and most days I cried my eyes out for hours as I struggled to settle Oscar, who rarely slept and when he was awake, was mostly fussing and crying (later we found out that he had a broken collarbone from the birth which explained so much). We were fighting about stupid things, which I know are stupid now because they barely come to mind. The changes of this new life were causing us to fight and wish away the days. There were no cute selfies. And, for so many of the days following Oscar’s birth I was alone with my babe, scared out of my mind that I was doing everything wrong and felt like I had lost every part of me. And, when Anthony would come back we wouldn’t fall intro stride like we alway had before. We had suddenly become different people. We were barely hanging on, sleep deprived and not understanding what we were feeling.

Somehow six months have passed. It’s like we blinked and here we are. I truly believe that as I write this we are different people, but as different as we are, he’s still my rock, my best friend and my home. And, as we not so seamlessly transitioned from us to us three, the things we’ve learned have & will eventually, make us better people. Each. Hard. Moment. Being a parent is hard, but being a team, being open and being honest is the only way that things will only get better. And, by doing that, us three are gonna be so much better for that. There might be an extra person in our equation; a smiley, energetic, strong, little boy who my heart can’t get enough of, but my love for his daddy will always be one of the most important things as well.

Us three. Photo by Northern Wildflower