the balance | working mom
There is a balance with everything in one’s life.
And, it’s not always easy.
It’s like a tray full of coffees in one hand where you have mostly Americano’s so there is no foamy milk keeping the liquid from escaping the top of the lid spilling it all over, and then your purse on that same shoulder (you know the one with the double straps where one never seems to stay up and falls off your shoulder which has the bag falling real soon if you don’t fix it asap!?), then also your phone vibrating in your pocket signalling your brain that someone needs something and every time if vibrates its like this little reminder that you have just one more thing to check in on. Then add in the fact that it’s starting to rain again, and you are gonna be late so you need to jaywalk instead of going a block out of your way to get to the light, but even jaywalking is taking longer because the cars keep coming, and you need to move faster which only makes those Americanos spill all over. Oh, and you have your dog on her leash, pulling on the leash, because she’s rebelling on all her training since you had the baby, because she thinks you don’t care about her anymore, and also, the dog is getting wet because remember how I said it was starting to rain, so the longer you are waiting to cross the street, the more wet she is gonna be, which means you’ll need to dry her off when you get inside, but inside isn’t actually your final destination and don’t forget your late.
Balance. It’s a mother fucker.
I cancelled my whole day today. The weather was calling for snow and overcast, so I moved my entire day and yet somehow this productive day has left me feeling more anxious than ever before.
But, isn’t that always the way?
I sit here taking a “break” from all the things; the endless to do list, editing, culling, print orders and email pings, text pings and as Oscar protests in his crib because he doesn’t want to nap but I can tell is about to be asleep in 3, 2…....and asleep.
I take a deep breath for about 30 secs and then realize that it’s 2pm suddenly. And, now, I have to pump.
That “break” mean taking off my shirt, and strapping on my pump bra, sliding in the weird boob suction things, then hooking myself up to the pump for the next 15 to 20 mins, all while hoping my milk fills these darn bottles to give me at least more than last nights poor pumping session. And then, reminding myself that being stressed will cause the milk to be less so I try to calm down but all I want to do is SCREAM.
I hit power and the room fills with the familiar sounds of the pump (oh you know if it you’ve ever pumped, I’m pretty sure these sounds will haunt me for years to come), I sit back down for the umpteenth time and I know for the next 20 mins I have no excuse but to stay put. For the past 6 hours I have started multiple tasks only to be distracted over and over, and nothing has been accomplished. But now, strapped into the pump, the thing I hate the most in the world, I feel relief.
My hands are trembling as I type. I know I haven’t eaten enough. I know I should go fill my water glass again. But I can’t get up, I need to sit down and chill.
The dog is finally asleep, so she’s stopped hitting the balcony door wanting to go out. Oscar is asleep and its quiet in here minus the pumping sounds.
Today’s been a day and I only have three more hours to work. It’s not enough, it’s never enough. There is never enough time. And, while I need to dedicate the rest of these hours to work, I’m feeling guilty that all day I’ve barely had time to play with Oscar. Our angel nanny has been with him all day, but in a small condo, it’s hard to escape especially with my workstation next to his play station.
Every time I send out an email, one comes in. There is editing to be done. I’m trying to finish some of my Motherhood sessions, so I break from emailing to edit those and as I do, four emails from the moms who’s faces I’m looking at on my screen email, asking about when the photos will be ready. Eventually I finish the work, I send it out, I answer the emails and then another email pops in with just a “thanks!”. And I’m deflated because I busted my butt to edit this beautiful session, and answer her email with a love filled little note about her, her new adventure and the session, and with just a six letter word back, I just wonder why. Why? Why work so hard, why not just spend all day with my kid instead? But then, I remember, its just one email. And another email comes in with words upon words of love and gushing about the images. About how only a few photos deep and she’s crying with happiness over the images because they mean so much. So I feel happiness and I breathe a little lighter. You can’t win them all. I know I care too much, but that’s how I create the images I do. I don’t just point and click, but if I did, I’d probably be ok with just a thanks or the no response which is always a fav (that’s sarcasm if you didn’t catch it lol). Some days are easy, some hard. Both in work and in motherhood.
I free my boobs from the pump, I wash the parts, date & store the milk in the fridge and eagerly wait for my son to wake up so I can end my day with him, spending time with him knowing that I’ve done ok today.
So while I wait, here’s the thing….
be nice to new moms
don’t waste peoples time over email
hold doors for strangers, especially when they have their arms full
don’t forget that small businesses are often doing many more jobs than you’ll know
not everyone has a maternity leave
check in on your strong friends
say thank you, especially to someone who’s doing something with heart, like an artist or just anyone really …. work is work and work done with love, well…. say thank you or that person might just stop caring and then why even do this work at all?!