the new normal

Over a little visit with a mama friend I deeply admire, we chatted about newborn life and how utterly different the world appears now being a mom.

In the beginning, I was lost. I knew my life wasn’t anything like it was before. And all I knew in those days after my son was born was that I was now Oscar’s mom. I was the milk maker.

That’s it.

I ate to keep my milk up. I stayed awake to keep him sleeping as I rocked him, or let him sleep on my chest. I was scared to fall asleep and so I rarely slept in the beginning. I rarely showered, or brushed my teeth, or hair. I stopped wearing makeup and I refused to listen to music.

I wore a diaper for more than a week, and everything I wore was soaked in milk.

I remember the exact moment it all changed for me.

I was sitting in the kitchen the Sunday after the Friday caesarean where we finally met our son. We were eating breakfast just like all the days leading up to his birth. Except I was wearing a diaper, my hair hadn’t been washed since the day before his brith, I had pee on me, poop, and spit up too. I was wearing a white tshirt and no bra because my ribs were sore and anything touching them made me squeal with pain. Suddenly, my milk came in and I soaked the front of my shirt. I looked at Anthony who stared back in shock. Oscar was in my arms and started get soaked and thought to myself, “he’s totally gonna run.” Thankfully he didn’t, but I think that was the moment I felt like I lost myself. Like the version of me I knew only days before was gone. And, I didn’t know if I’d ever find that person I once was.

My friend looked at me in telling her about these feelings of being lost and she said something to me that truly rocked my world while setting me free at the same time.

She said, “this is your new normal. Once you realize that, like truly realize it, everything will fall into place”.

And, she was ever so right.

It took me some time, but once I did, I was able to gracefully let motherhood take over me. I stopped thinking about my old life, and questioning why things were so different and longing for my old days, and embraced this new normal that was shifting and changing more and more, every single day.

You have to just let it happen. Don’t force it. Let it come over you and take over. And, what you’ll find is that you’ll find that old person in an essence, but what you’ll mostly find is the new person you’ve become in this shift, and this new person’s normal will have elements of your old life merged with this new life. You’ll be more than just the mom, but you’ll be so proud to be the mom at the same time. Maybe it sounds like a riddle, but once you experience it, it all makes sense. You’ll discover this new normal and it will feel like this is the only place you should be and the best person you could ever be.