fertility | shannon's story
I’ve known Shannon for a few years now. We’ve seen each other go through many stages in both our personal and professional lives. I can’t remember when but a while back, she opened up to me about her fertility struggles and my heart shifted and ached for her. Having a child holds so much weight and not something most people look into before venturing into that subject matter.
Every story is SO very different. Not all are easy as it would seem. For myself, getting pregnant wasn’t easy. It took us a year. A year of trying to plan the timing just right, peeing on countless ovulation sticks and seeing the negative on the pregnancy sticks time and time again. It was a year full of having sex just to make a baby which turned into great stress and many, many fights. Our jobs made it hard, with one of us always traveling, and the other having the sort of long days where there was no not being there, or leaving early or starting late. Every month that passed felt like there was something wrong with me and that maybe motherhood wasn’t in the cards for me. Everyone around me was seemingly getting pregnant and every pregnancy announcement was a little sting on my heart. It drove a wedge between me and close friend who not only very quickly got pregnant but even aimed it for the month I so wish we could have had the baby. I remember a family member disregarding me when I tried to open up about it saying, “you’ll have no problem getting pregnant, it took me no time,” and at that time it had been 10 months of negative pregnancy sticks. I remember being at a photoshoot with a newborn and one of the women there asked me “when are you getting pregnant?” like it was as easy as scheduling a car service to pick you up at the desired time.
Eventually, after one year of trying, we decided to take a few months of not trying and to live our lives babe free. That month was the month we found out we were pregnant, oddly enough it was two days after I shot Shannon’s wedding.
When Shannon told me about what she was going through my heart felt so deeply for her. And we talked about it throughout my whole pregnancy, and then still after my son was born. Over that time, I’ve seen this woman open up about her fertility story and be deeply vulnerable about it. And, I’ve seen her grow into a beautiful version of herself with immense wisdom, elegance, and peace.
In April, Shannon finally shared her story on social media and her inbox was flooded with women who immediately felt connected to her, who felt like they weren’t alone because another woman was going through something they too were going through - but silently.
Sharing these heartbreaking vulnerable experiences online have become something of this generation and so many of us brave enough to share and open a conversation about it don’t always get the best feedback when people think we are oversharing, or sharing on a topic that should be left in the dark and in the privacy of our homes.
I was deeply honoured to have documented this time in her journey where she was still working through the pain and the acceptance of her fertility struggles.
In preparation for our shoot, I asked her to write a letter to herself. At the shoot, I asked her to read it, and I photographed her while she read it out loud. It was beautiful. It was heartbreaking. There were tears. There was joy. There was hurt and triumph. I like to think that her own deeply smart and wise words helped in her transition and acceptance of where she was, what had been, what she couldn't control and what she could. What she wrote was full of wisdom and often we know the answers to our struggles but listening to our advice, our own words, well - we never seem to do that.
I feel like with each conversation she has had with people in her life -friends, family, and acquaintances, that each conversation, each social media post has helped her in her journey. For some, like for Shannon (and me), talking about these things allows people like us to heal. By bottling it up, our mental health can be deeply affected and not in a positive way at all.
Sharing her story publically has helped her in the healing portion, and in her own acceptance.
"My story became something I wanted to share when I realized that so many of us suffer in silence. In the shower, on the bathroom floor, under the covers, in our cars. The amount of women, and men to be honest, who have reached out to share their stories with me since opening up, if I had you in my corner during the really dark days then who knows where I might be now. If you're struggling just remember you're not alone, and that opening up even just privately to family or friends can really make a world of a difference. My mental health, my physical health, my relationships, they all took a beating because I was afraid to open up .. and if my story can help even one person when their light is burning out then it will all be worth it."
Where she was when this all started, " I had just started my business, so honestly I believed that it would take my 5 years to be even remotely successful. We both thought that after 5 years we would be in a new home, possibly our forever home, with at least one kid, still chasing our dreams and travelling the world."
When the plans she had didn't unfold as she had to learn how to work through it all and she had to learn how to work through the way this affected her life. "As a woman, I felt powerless, which is something I don't often feel. I am very much the type of person who goes after what she wants. Growing up if I wanted something I found a way to make it happen, in school and at work if I didn't know how to do something I did the research and figured out how to get it done. So with this being something I literally could not control no matter what I did or what we tried, it was frustrating. It really messed with my head. I started to self-sabotage, gaining weight, not taking care of my body, overworking myself as a distraction. It made me a less present wife. It made me a workaholic. And slowly over time, I started to feel myself just disconnecting from everything and not really understanding why. Until I started to open up about it. Opening up about how I was feeling, allowing myself to cry in front of strangers, was like this giant weight off my shoulders which allowed me to really figure out what kind of person I wanted to be, what kind of wife I wanted to be, how I wanted to run a business, and ultimately what kind of mother I wanted to be."
In her own words when it comes to the fertility journey, "We haven't had a good experience with doctors. My doctor ran the generic tests, but we had to wait a year, and of course, waiting a year to call and book an appointment then meant waiting an extra 3 months to get an appointment. After almost 2 years we finally got in to see a fertility specialist (seriously, it's been a struggle with doctors and getting appointments/getting our doctor's office to remember to send test results or referrals). According to our tests, we are both fertile, healthy, and able. We just might need a little help, so I'm waiting now for my next period and then right after I have to go for a sonohysterogram, and then after that we have the option to try at home where we pay them to tell me after my blood work that I am ovulating so go home and try, or and IUI where they collect the sperm and just give us a little help by getting it in my uterus for me. "
What has come from this journey of hers, " It's been a long two years, but I can honestly say that I am finally happy in my own skin, no matter the outcome. I am proud of the body that has gotten me through some of the hardest days, even if I don't always love that body. I am content with myself, with my path, and with all of the choices I have made up until this point. No matter what phase of the journey you are on, let me remind you of your strength. Let me tell you to never give up on yourself, no matter where that journey takes you. Let me push you towards being your own advocate & your own cheerleader, but remind you to not let go of the people advocating and cheering you on from the sidelines."
That letter she wrote for our shoot, I kept and I've read it many times. The nuggets of wisdom in there are so deeply profound and beautiful. I originally was going to share it but I think instead I'll just share the images from having her read her very insightful and wise words.
