hunter's story
Since I launched my blog, I didn’t know how to pick it back up and continue it. What comes after launching an lifestyle blog with over 30+ incredibly soul revealing and heart wrenchingly hard to reread & share pieces of writing? Some of the writings I wrote in a time in my life that I cannot remember because that motherhood fog is so deeply real, and reading them feels like reading someone else’s words.
And so, I just stopped and waited.
As I waited, I was full of emotion as each message and email came in from mamas thanking me for sharing my story with such candor and vulnerability. My heart was at peace, and the fear started to escape me in doing something so vulnerable, then as luck would have it, a big bang came. A message came through from a stranger, and it ripped what I knew to be true, to pieces. It took me some time to really remind myself that their words didn’t have any truth. After some time, I was ready to move forward again, and, bam, another email (this time from someone who’s known me since I was born) came through telling me how not ok they thought it was for me to share my story and that they thought I was making a mistake. Again, more repair.
Then, tonight, still lingering with wanting to write again, with wanting to share my story, the story of motherhood, the story of women, the story of working women and other things that don’t get talked about; something inspired me.
Madi. She reminded me why this lifestyle blog exists, and she didn’t even know she did that. What she did was inspire me with her our bravery. Hearts & Coffee is here to open the conversation about things people don’t always talk about. It’s about bringing focus to things that are heartbreakingly real -and beautiful - AND HARD. And, making sure that people know they aren’t alone in their journey.
Madi.
I met Madi the same day a few months ago when that first message came through, stopping me from sharing my journey as a mother. When I met Madi (and her husband, Tim), it was an emotional day, and that evening I was letting my time with them settle in my heart. That’s when I came across the message.
But here’s the thing, that message, and the most recent one, and any other messages that come through, or other messages that reach any person, woman or mother who is sharing something they want to share - well, they don’t matter. Madi reminded me that we all make decisions that other people might not choose for themselves- because we haven’t lived it. Our stories are all so very different, but the thing is they are ours, not theirs. People will always judge, always misunderstand, or not take the time to understand, and I feel sorry for those people because I think they are missing out on understanding the beauty of life. But, that’s their story.
Hunter.
I met Madi and her husband Tim as a couple who was about 23 weeks pregnant with their first child, their son, Hunter Timothy. And, they knew, and shared with me, that when they would meet their son earth side, it would be the same day they would have to say goodbye to him.
On their 20 week ultrasound, instead of just finding out the gender of their child, they found out that baby Hunter had a terminal congenital defect that occurs by “fluke” in about 1 in 10,000 baby boys.
When she had messaged me the week before, asking to do the shoot, she told me about his condition and that it meant he wouldn’t be able to live outside the womb.
When I met them to document this little life inside of her, to say it was an emotional day, is not even close. But what I didn’t expect, which touched my heart so very much, was that beside the tears, there was a happiness as well. The happiness was love. Love for this little boy who only 23 weeks old, was deeply loved by his parents. And, every time he kicked, her eyes lit up and a lightness filled the room. Even with the deep heart breaking sadness they were feeling, they were still able to feel such love.
I didn’t share Hunter, Madi or Tim’s story until now because it wasn’t my story to share, and I didn’t want to bring up the question of sharing it until it felt right- if ever it did. I watched as Madi posted online about her life since our shoot, and since the day I knew they said their goodbye to Hunter (we stayed in touch and chatted after their time saying goodbye). There wasn’t anything about their loss and I knew she was healing as she needed to. I wondered if she’d share her story, his story and their story. And, then tonight, she did.
Timing had me taking a moment to check instagram and there was a photo I took of Madi & Tim. Her words brought tears to my eyes but also, I felt so proud of her for having the strength to talk about what happened. Her words were beautiful and heart breaking. And, they are hers. It’s her story, so I’ve posted her IG post below (with permission to share her story of course), so you can hear her story from her.
Dearest Madi & Tim, I’m sending mountains of love your way. Thank you for trusting me to document those moment with that belly, with Hunter kicking and bringing such light to your lives. You deeply have touched my heart.
In Madi’s words….
