no one told me
No one told me how hard motherhood would be.
No one told me the emotions I would feel, or the deep dark places I would go in those first two to three weeks.
The pregnancy went by in a hot second and I was lucky to have a fairly easy ride. The birth was something I'm still processing. But, being a mom to a newborn, so new to the world, with all these new responsibilities is the scariest and hardest thing I've ever done.
Having an emergency c section wasn’t our plan, or even a thought in my mind. I was ok with it if it happened, as long as our baby was ok, but to be honest I just didn’t think anything other than a natural birth would be my story. And then, to go home after being cut open and stapled back together to be almost solely responsible for this little human, while recovering from major surgery wasn’t something I planned for.
No one told me how scared I'd be that first night, or even first two nights. The thought of sleeping and not being able to check on him every single second put me into a state of worry. And, what do I put him in to sleep? How do I know if he's warm enough or cool enough? Should I swaddle him? Should I not? What if he cries? What if he suddenly stops breathing? Can he sleep on my chest? Is that the safest place? Should he be in the bassinet, or the crib? Do we co sleep? What if something happens and it’s all my fault? How could I live with that?
The questions just kept presenting themselves. Over and over again. The worries kept coming in too.
No one told me just how hard it would be to hear his cries when you are experiencing little to no sleep.
No one told me how my husband would feel about everything. Or, that he wouldn’t be how you imagined it.
No one told me how I'd feel as my husbands life kept going like nothing had changed and mine basically stopped.
No one told the workaholic Scarlet to slow down.
No one told me that I'd resent my work, or the people wasting my time over emails; in those rare & precious moments I’d get to email. That' I’d get so mad wanting to tell them off, but know it wasn’t something I should do. I had to bite my tongue over and over. (Work doesnt really stop when you run your own business and are a free lancer…)
No one told me I'd cry so much.
No one told me I'd feel my heart breaking as Lucy becomes number two. (Only dog people will get this.. or maybe I’m just way too obsessed with my furry best friend of 9 years)
No one told me to stay put until it was too late, and my incision swelled up. And, as it swelled up and redness creeped all over it, it made me feel even worse about my body.
No one told me how dark it gets. Like really gets.
No one told me how excited I’d be about having a boy.
No one told me that I’d view my time on everything in a whole new light.
No one told me I’d bleed for so long even though I didn’t have a vaginal birth.
No one told me I’d leak all the time. No one told me how many bras and shirts and bedsheets I’d go thru as my breastmilk soaked everything.
No one told me how empty I’d feel.
No one told me how disconnected to everything I’d feel.
No one told me how disinterested I’d be in things I once loved, like music, being outdoors, going like.. like leaving my home, even for a fresh breath of air.
No one told me about mommy shaming. Or how often peoples opinion would make you feel like a total failure at this new role of yours.
No one told me that you really don’t get checked out thoroughly after you have the baby and you constantly wonder if you are broken….waiting for everything to just fall apart,
But, people did tell me that it does get better. Over and over again, people say , “It’ll get better”, or, “there is a light”. You just don’t believe it until it happens, and when it happens (at all different times for everyone) everything feels so much more peaceful and the world settles in a way you had only dreamt of among all the “no one told me” thoughts.