a little bit of light in the storm
Oscar is 4 weeks today.
Today was different. I'm not really sure what the shift was, and I don't know how tomorrow will be. But, today was a good day. I haven't had many of these in the past 4 weeks, and to be honest- even before that.
Before that we were anxiously waiting, hoping he'd come at the perfect time. We were trying so hard to control something that was no way in our control. Then, he came and it was under such anguish, which you might know if you've been one of the few I’ve fully shared my birth story with. (I’m still working on writing it, finding it painful each time I put pen to paper and try to go back to the 30+ hrs of how he entered the world.)
And then came the world of newborns & the fourth trimester (the one you don't really pay attention to until you are smack dab in the middle of it).
Newborns are not easy. Yes, some are, and we often only hear about those. And, those unicorn babies do exist. Watching them sleep quietly in their stroller while their mamas chit chat over coffee at a coffee shop give me anxiety and fill my heart with this weird jealousy because we do not have that.
Yes, they are cute and smell like something you want to bottle up and save forever. They are cuddly and make pretty cute faces in their sleep. But, they also completely rock your world. Suddenly, nothing is the same.
I've been monitoring myself in these dark moments and being open about it to the people I trust most with what I am feeling. My village and the new mom friends (many are moms I’ve never met but become close with just over Instagram messaging late at night while the babe falls back asleep after feeding and I’m left awake in the quietness of our room) have been my saving grace. PPD comes up a lot. But there is a fine line between that and the Baby Blues. .
The darkness of the Baby Blues has been the hardest thing for me to wrap my head around because I never imagined this story for us. For four weeks, I've been a whole other person. I don't know who I am anymore. My emotions are out of control. People keep telling me I'm healing, and my body is still getting rid of all the drugs the hospital pumped into me, and the drugs I have been on since his birth to help me heal from my caesarean. I’m healing all while taking care of a new life, who needs me for everything, including life, and I’m doing this all while mostly being on my own, as my husband has been away for work quite a bit since Oscar's arrival. Solo parenting is NOT easy, especially after going through the things I just mentioned. And, especially when this wasn’t something you ever planned for, even though you kind of knew because you knew his job, but then again, you didn’t in your heart really know.
The darkness overshadows so much of what I am going through. The darkness makes everything harder and makes you feel like you are failing. The darkness is almost unbearable at times because, for me, it's so unfamiliar and unlike the generally positive free spirited feels I feel on a daily basis.
Two days ago things were the hardest they've been this whole period. I woke up not wanting to be where I was, I didn't want my sweet babe near me, I didn't want this life I was living. I told Anthony this through tears and he hugged me. As I sat in my bed numb to the morning, mad at myself for how I was feeling but unable to shift from these thoughts, he took care of us. He fed Oscar that morning from the bottle (with the milk I've been working so hard to pump to stock up for the days I go back to work) and he took care of me.
As we sat there in the dark room, him comforting me, feeding Oscar, his phone rang and within minutes everything shifted, as things tend to do. We found out Anthony's grandmother passed that same morning.
It was now my turn to be the one to take charge and care for my partner, and our babe. I had to put my thoughts away and focus on the importance of that moment. My husband needed to be comforted and taken care of. And, there was nothing else I’d rather do then be there for my boys.
Life is funny. It's like just when you think you have nothing left in you, something shows you that you are wrong. You always have something left, but you have to find the strength in yourself.
But as I began this post, today was different, even though, I woke up drained and tired, even though I woke up feeling numb and sad, even though I woke up under a dark cloud, even though we were still thinking about the heart breaking news from two days ago; despite the rough start to the day, today shifted into a great day.
It was one of the best days we have had. After Anthony set me up in our patio hammock with Oscar snuggled on my chest, the constant motion of the gently swinging hammock lulled us both to sleep and I woke refreshed.
Anthony had to go to his grandmothers wake and so I was on full Oscar duty. But that was normal, as many of the days since his birth, Anth’s been gone for work.
Oscar had naked time, where he got a little sponge bath and aired out his bum (learning about how to help avoid diaper rash!). Then I got him dressed and we went on a walk; me wearing him in our favourite wrap from Solly Wrap. He slept for a bit, and was still sleeping when my friend & her son came over. Oscar slept all the way through our visit. This was something unlike anything else, because this little man doesn’t really sleep during the day, at all, like barely, like actually.
When he woke we played, just him and me. For an hour I chatted to this little man who just stared back at me not understanding anything I said. Then we did tummy time, then we danced around our tiny little condo. I played music for the first time in four weeks and felt happy as I stared at my son cradled in my arms.
The time passed quickly, and suddenly Anthony was home. I had learned about our routine of side laying to feed until he fell asleep, where we then transitioned him into his basinet and then, we had time to be together. We fell asleep in each others arms snuggled up tight, exhausted and feeling ok about the day.
There were wins in this day and I hope that more wins, and more days like this happen more often.
